hmmm. blank composition template. now what.....
I've been wanting to thank everyone for the amazing support we have received. But blank paper + the reasons I need to be thankful are just overwhelming. I will get to it, eventually.
I am still sad, but it no longer feels like an open wound. Before the miscarriage, I had been wrestling with God and his plans for all of us here on earth. When I say wrestling, I mean, well, kind of mad at Him. One of the biggest/hardest questions anyone has to deal with is why is there evil and why does God let horrible things happen to people. These things were on my mind heavily before we found out about the miscarriage, so I felt a little bit like these events happened for a reason. To show me something? For me to learn from? Learn what? I haven't figured it out. Just to be clear, I haven't been sitting around throwing a "why me?" pity party--it's been more of a WHY ANYONE? If God loves us so much, then why do people have to endure painful and sad things? I had been feeling like God is just a big bully in the sky with a magnifying glass, frying us indiscriminately for the fun of it. Of course I know that is NOT TRUE. (but it feels true sometimes.) In my heart, I know He loves all of us and desires for us to love him back. He is good and He is great all of the time. He has reason and purpose for everyone. And His ways are not for me to understand. That makes it really hard to see pain and suffering in the world and in my own life, and just trusting that He cares and loves each of us. It is incredibly hard to have faith.
In the past few weeks I have thrown myself into studying, reading, and listening to the bible and everything I can find on the topic of evil + sin and their consequences in the world. I want to know why bad things happen, and where God is in all of the suffering. While I have not figured it out, and probably never will, I feel comforted by just seeking an understanding. He will reveal everything I need to know, as long as I am searching for truth. Maybe part of his plan for me is to use this to bring me closer to Him. Maybe that's enough of an answer for me right now.
Physically, I am feeling better. More normal. I have been cleared to to my normal things by the Dr. last thursday. The only thing that isn't normal is my iron level and blood pressure which are both still very low. I'm still tired more than I should be, but otherwise, everything is fine. Life is moving on, and we have had a lot of fun in the past weeks. Maddie is insane as ever. She turned two last weekend, and we have some pics + video to share soon. (As soon as I find the cord to the video camera)
