Trish Koch Photo

impossible to stay sad

Seriously, how can I not smile every day with this little person lighting up my world?  

another week

hmmm.  blank composition template.  now what.....

I've been wanting to thank everyone for the amazing support we have received.  But blank paper + the reasons I need to be thankful are just overwhelming.  I will get to it, eventually.  

I am still sad, but it no longer feels like an open wound.  Before the miscarriage, I had been wrestling with God and his plans for all of us here on earth.  When I say wrestling, I mean, well, kind of mad at Him.  One of the biggest/hardest questions anyone has to deal with is why is there evil and why does God let horrible things happen to people.  These things were on my mind heavily before we found out about the miscarriage, so I felt a little bit like these events happened for a reason.  To show me something?  For me to learn from?  Learn what?  I haven't figured it out.  Just to be clear, I haven't been sitting around throwing a "why me?" pity party--it's been more of a WHY ANYONE?  If God loves us so much, then why do people have to endure painful and sad things?  I had been feeling like God is just a big bully in the sky with a magnifying glass, frying us indiscriminately for the fun of it.  Of course I know that is NOT TRUE.  (but it feels true sometimes.)  In my heart, I know He loves all of us and desires for us to love him back.  He is good and He is great all of the time.  He has reason and purpose for everyone.  And His ways are not for me to understand.  That makes it really hard to see pain and suffering in the world and in my own life, and just trusting that He cares and loves each of us.  It is incredibly hard to have faith.  

In the past few weeks I have thrown myself into studying, reading, and listening to the bible and everything I can find on the topic of evil + sin and their consequences in the world.  I want to know why bad things happen, and where God is in all of the suffering.  While I have not figured it out, and probably never will, I feel comforted by just seeking an understanding.  He will reveal everything I need to know, as long as I am searching for truth.  Maybe part of his plan for me is to use this to bring me closer to Him.  Maybe that's enough of an answer for me right now. 

Physically, I am feeling better.  More normal.  I have been cleared to to my normal things by the Dr. last thursday.  The only thing that isn't normal is my iron level and blood pressure which are both still very low.  I'm still tired more than I should be, but otherwise, everything is fine.  Life is moving on, and we have had a lot of fun in the past weeks.  Maddie is insane as ever.  She turned two last weekend, and we have some pics + video to share soon.  (As soon as I find the cord to the video camera) 

moving on... or not?

I thought I was doing fine, most days I can sort of ignore everything that is getting me down.  That is, of course, if nothing new goes wrong.  Like waking up and realizing we have no coffee.  Really?  Should this put me in a full body funk for the entire day?  Probably not.  But it's almost noon, and I am still fighting the urge to do absolutely nothing all day and go back to bed.  I can't even muster up the motivation to GO out and get some coffee.  (even though I can easily walk to a starbucks from here.)  I feel like crying.  again.  Pathetic.

Really, most of the time I do feel like I am doing okay moving forward.  Maddie is a great distraction at almost 2 years old.  Potty training, keeping the house clean, trying to keep up with my work...I've never been so happy for distractions.  When you are distracted, it doesn't matter how bad you feel.  There's just no time to dwell on anything.  I told my sister a few days ago that I want to be done grieving.  It seems like a long list of things I have to do to get it right, so I just wanted to opt out of all of that and move on.  I would rather just ignore the fact that I am so angry and so sad all of the time.  I want to stop replaying everything in my head at night instead of sleeping.  

And mostly, today, I want to not be out of coffee. Damn it.  

a road i never wanted to travel

It's not every day that you have an experience that changes everything about you.  I don't really know how to say any of this in a way that will not hurt, or in a way that will be easy to read.  I don't have the mental or emotional energy to re-account all of the things that have happened in the past week and a half.  The best way I can think of to do this is to just share my journal entry from 7/23 with you. 

    [We found out yesterday that we will not be having a baby in January like we thought.  At my regular 16 week appointment the Dr. could not find a heartbeat.  She was careful not to let on that anything was wrong.  But I knew.  Somehow I knew it was bad.  She kept her cool as she ushered us down to the sonogram room.  I laid back and as soon as the sono tech put the probe on my tummy I could see that nothing was right.  She sped through all of the pictures and measurements she needed to take with her eyes welling up with tears.  No heartbeat.  No movement.  It was bad news.  I wasn't shocked.  I remember hearing Kevin take a sharp breath in when she said, "yes, it's bad news..i'm so sorry...I'm going to go get the Dr."  I remember thinking....OK...now what?  I sort of thought we were in the clear...

The Dr. came in to talk to us.  Most of that is a blur.  Everything was slowly processing.  My brain was in slow motion, everything sounded like I was hearing it through water and my thoughts started racing.  

    This is really happening... the baby is dead.  This is true about my life now.  Yes, this is really happening.  Now I know what the word really means... Miscarriage.  You can't know until it is your word--true about you.  A death. a giant hole ripped right through your heart and soul.  It feels like drowning.  Like the weight of the world is crushing in on me from every side.  This is really happening.  this is not a dream.  Or is it? 

Can I please wake up? 

Please be a dream.  Please be a dream.

The Dr. is still talking.  Chromosomal abnormality.  the brain, the vital organs, nothing is right.  there is nothing we could have done.  She said, this is rare, we don't lose many babies this far along.  Less than one percent.  

More blurring.  My head is sort of spinning.  She says the D&C will be safest.  (I don't remember the other options, but none of them sounded safe or easy.)  OK. So, this is really happening.  OK.  what's next?

She says I'm taking this really well, but hands me a bunch of kleenex for the drive home--says it will hit me in the car.  It didn't.  It didn't hit me until I had to say it out loud.  Poor Kim.  She got the first phone call.  My trial run--I just wanted to see how hard it would be.  Harder than I could have ever imagine.  Then it was real. it was really true and I had still not woken up.  This sucks.  Now what....

Tell everyone else.  hug maddie.  cry more.  sleep.  keep going i guess.]

The d&c was last tuesday.  The dr.s and nurses took wonderful care of me.  The procedure went perfectly, but I lost a lot of blood.  It took forever to get my blood pressure up so that I could go home from the hospital.  I was very tired and weak for a few days afterward.  It's been a week now and I feel a lot better.  Emotionally and physically, every day gets easier.  

We love each other and Maddie more.  We appreciate everyone in our lives more.  We have so much to be thankful for.  Our families and friends have shown us so much love and support.  We could never say thank you enough.  Bringing food, taking care of me, taking care of maddie, calling, sending cards and flowers, praying for us--just everything.  We couldn't have made it through this hard time without all of the care and support from everyone.  This is a road I never would have chosen, but I know we are very blessed, and we will learn, grow, love, and appreciate more now that we have had this experience.  

coming clean

Many of you already know, but we have been super lazy about telling people this time.  If you should have gotten a phone call or been told in person, I am so sorry you are finding out this way--or worse--on facebook.  But, it's true, I am not just packing on the pounds and letting myself go, I am pregnant again.  Maddie will have a baby brother or sister somewhere around the first week of January.  We are hoping for a new years baby because the birthday would be cool, 1/1/11.  Especially since maddie's is 8/8/08.  haha.  but we really don't care, we are just hoping for a happy and healthy baby.  (and easy pregnancy and delivery please)

Pregnancy this time has been a bit less than a dream.  Evening sickness, heartburn, insomnia, acne, allergies and complete exhaustion are just a few of the perks this time around.  I also don't love that our healthcare costs went way up this year, so we get to worry about how to pay for everything too.  So fun!  I know we still have it good in comparison to a lot of other people, so I shouldn't complain!  Thank God we have jobs and healthcare at all!  

Maddie is slowly adapting to the idea that she will have a brother or sister.  I was worried because the first time I asked her if she wanted a baby brother or a baby sister she shook her finger at me and screamed "NO NO NO!"  Oh goodness.  De-throning the little queen will not be an easy job.  I'm sure she'll come around--maybe...  

happy fourth! and an exercise in irresponsible parenting...

I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend!  I was completely oblivious to the fact that it was a holiday until Friday night.  I would usually be looking forward to a long weekend for weeks, watching it get closer on my calendar every day.  I don't know how it snuck up on me like that.  But we had a great time hanging out on our three-day-weekend.  

We have decided that our Fourth of July tradition is going to be eating at Snuffer's--the fireworks shows down here have been kind of hit-and-miss, but the food at Snuffer's is always good.  We did it last year, and managed to find ourselves there again this year before fireworks.  Ohhhhhh the cheese fries....... my arteries harden a little bit just thinking about them!  I should probably go to jail for letting my kid eat them as some form of child abuse/neglect, but thankfully, so far, there are not laws against feeding your kids junk food.  In all seriousness, I do think my health is in danger every time I set foot on premises.  The cheddar fries, by themselves, have 1 whole pound of cheddar in them, and weigh in at somewhere between 3500-4000 calories.  And of course, Kevin and I add bacon and chives to ours... oh, and, did I mention that we dip every bite in ranch dressing.  mmmmmmm.  fried, cheesy, salty goodness.  

 

(this terrible image is brought to you from the worst in-phone camera on the planet)

Afterward, it was raining cats and dogs.  We weren't sure we'd be able to see any fireworks, even so, we went up to Addison's KaBoom town again this year.  Instead of driving into the thick of things all the way into town, we headed to the redneck haven of the wal-mart parking lot.  (It just felt so very American.)  It sprinkled on and off, and for some reason, the show started about 20 minutes late, but they did not cancel.  Hooray!  We were pretty far away this year.  Maddie loved the first few, but the excitement waned toward the middle.  Somehow you need to be much closer to fully appreciate them, but it was a nice trade-off that we didn't sit in hours of traffic on the way home.    

so excited!

 

doing a little jig...

 

 

soooooo tired.  She was fast asleep before we got out of the parking lot.  No surprise there.  It was way past her bedtime before we even went.  All in all, a lot of fun.  Hope you all had a Happy Fourth!
    

braums

Braums is one of my favorite guilty pleasures.  It has also become a favorite of many of our out-of-town guests, so when we have visitors, we usually make a trip for ice cream.  I have terrible lactose intolerance, so trust me when I tell you it is really freaking good ice cream!  
Maddie was soooo excited when she scooped out that enormous bite.  She also is a total mooch, and managed to get bites from everyone else at the table, too.  Sugar buzz?  Um, yes.  And as parents, we really should know better by now.  Oh well. 

More on irresponsible parenting in the next post... 

GaGa's visit

My mom came down for a visit and was here for 10 days.  So much fun to get to spend a good chunk of time with family.  She flew in late at night on Friday, so Saturday morning really started her visit.  Thankfully, even though I didn't have time during the week to post, I did take a lot of pictures and will share some highlights from her stay in the next couple of days.  

We started day one with some pancakes.  Yum.  This is a demonstration on how to get the most out of your left-over syrup.

After a quick change of clothes and an attempt to wipe the syrup out of her hair with a washrag, we were off to the farmers market for some fruit.  We got so much food!  Everything looks so beautiful and tasty when you are at the market.  I usually bring $20 in cash and just stop shopping when it's gone.  Well, I tried that, but when I ran out of money, my mom just opened her wallet.  I didn't stop her either because it all looked so tasty.  As a result, we had more fruit and veggies than any of us could reasonably eat in a week.  We put in a good effort though!  I am still eating the peaches (almost 2 whole weeks later and they are still fantastic!)  

 

Maddie had run out of room in her tummy for all of the delicious samples and by this time was ready to go home for a nap.  And I was ready to go home and figure out how all of our food was going to fit into our fridge... always a fun chore.

not so fast...

Lots of exciting changes in the Koch household the past couple of weeks.  Maddie is officially a big girl now!  She started potty training last week while GaGa visited.  She did so well all week and has not had any accidents for a few days now.  We have been so excited for her amazing progress!  Over the weekend we switched her crib to her in her Big-Girl bed.  She is still in a diaper at night, but won't be for long so it was a necessary move.  Lots of changes in a very short amount of time--we know.  But Maddie was just adapting like a champ!  Just when we thought everything was going just a little bit too smoothly, last night came upon us.

I don't know if it was a nightmare or if she was having a bit of insomnia or if she is finally a little bothered by everything being so new and different.  But the dookie hit the fan.  It started early when we put her down for bed.  About an hour after she had gone to sleep we heard a thud and went in and found her crying on the floor.  Her first fall out of bed.  Which is pretty impressive since there is a rail and only a small area she can actually fall out of.  Then later we thought the night was breezing by without further incident until about 1 when she started screaming.  Shrieking is really more like it.  And that was the end of our restful night's sleep.  She didn't want to have anything to do with her bed for the rest of the night.  Kevin and I took turns being up with her and trying to get her to lay back down, but it was hours before we got her back to sleep.  So we are all overly tired today.  

She had been sleeping fine for the past 4 nights, so I hope last night was a fluke.  She has always gone in spurts where she has a lot of trouble sleeping.  But being in a regular bed now, we can't just put her in her "cage" and let her cry it out.  This is going to be a hard if she continues to have trouble because WE NEED SLEEP TOO!!  Explain that to a 2 year old.

All in all, we really can't complain too much.  My mom did the bulk of the hard work potty training. (thank you mom!)  And Maddie really is doing awesome with all of the changes.  I thought potty training was going to be a complete nightmare, but I have been totally surprised and pleased at how fast she learned it.  We are so excited about her progress.  We are so proud of her, but she's growing up way too fast!!

mega fun with mega blocks

Hours of fun.  Well--more like minutes, but anything that keeps Maddie busy for even a short time is fabulous!  She was really into her construction project with her dad.  Our little architect...